Yours Truly, Emma.. the unpredictable girl in her unpredictable little world..

hey people i'm back! not feeling well this few days, don't know what wrong with me... i never knew i can be allergic to anything and till today i am still clueless what i am allergic to.. sighx... although it does not show on me but i feel horrible.. thank god my allergics can't be seen but yes it hurts like hell.. just that i am not whining out loud.. sighx..

let me see.. its been more than a month that i am single already.. things just happened so fast and sudden i guess i was living in a shock for the past few weeks.. how is everyone getting along i wonder.. how am i? i am not sure too..

I wanna say something.. at times i think i do not want to be like this but people force me to.. don't make me look like a bitch just cause you don't get things your way... sighx i am really taken for granted at times man.. this is sad man really.. i feel offended and also i feel that at times being nice sucks!!!

let's see.. got to know 2 new friends.. guy friends to be exact.. and boy are they a bunch of smart people.. tho both of them do not know each other. Let's name them KT and KL. Well KT is a smart guy.. the way he talks and carries himself.. it shows a lot about him.. and yes he is ambitious as well.. kinda like me.. but i can see him way ahead... he was offered a scholarship and went to the states to study for a few years.. those kinda top student guy... why am i not as smart!! haha

While KL, typical RI -> RJC -> Nus kinda guy.. interesting guy, quite cute also la.. gentleman.. at least not the kinda guy who makes me feel that they are up to no good haha. though i guess but just a little quiet and reserve i guess... a little too early for me to assume as i do not know him well enough yet... Well after talking to him, he does share the same thought as me in a sense that we feel if you don't move on to improve yourself, you'll always fall behind.. No wonder he is looking into taking up a MBA now.. Why why why!! i should have studied harder last time

This 2 guys impress me a lot.. No offence to anyone but friends around me are not really the damn fucking smart kind.. yes they are hardworking and smart but i just don't know why knowing this 2 guys make me feel stupid.. yes for once in my life, i feel inferior to a guy, For once i wish i can just shut up and not talk in order not to sound stupid. haha you know what i mean? I am a confident person, i do know things happening around me and i have no problem making conversations. But in front of them, i try not to talk, i even crack jokes and i think i am damn lame ok -.-. Me!!! I think i have met my competition.. people who actually make me shut up and listen for once.. It is driving me crazy and i wonder if i can handle it.. but still i want to know them more to know how they work things out and learn to improve..

But i guess what really impress me most about them is their willingness to work hard and achieve things.. Today one of my colleagues Shadiq, who works there for 14-15 years? told me that i take my degree as a "physical" cushion for my career but for him, its his "mental" cushion that helps him... damn! mental cushion? i have nothing le.. i only know how to make the REAL kinda cushion lol...

Its been a long time since i cook for my family or anyone to eat.. will do it soon.. need to practice..

At times i think of my past with kenny, makes me wanna laugh.. the stupid things i do just to make him love me.. let me try to list some..
1) Change myself a lot to whatever he wants me to be (not perfect la but try v hard ok)
2) Cause of him i cut down my vulgarities by 80%
3) took up driving lessons so i can drive him home if he is tired
4) do lotsa shit to lose the weight and try to make myself prettier ( u dunno the shit i make myself do to lose weight.. i tried it all... even things i dint tell him i did, tho still chubby but i guess better then last time.. )
5) constantly challenge myself so that i am improving esp for my salary.. it just jumped so much.. i don't know how i did it.. i just worm my way up there just cause i want a better life for us.
6) study degree.. yes its all for the money and high paying career in future too..
7) do lotsa handmade things for him but he just put them one side.. (kns a lot of effort one ok)
8) make him priority, i planned my time around him.. stupid move cause it wasn't a good thing i guess but i learnt..
9) choose to ignore everything and forgive whatever he does.. i don't think it helps much la cause i think when i do this people take me for granted.. the look in their eyes telling me every shit they throw at me i will forgive... i just can't bear to be angry at my love ones for long... i rather forgive.. but den ai ya i will always be labeled as the bad tempered bitch no matter what i do la.. i do admit i maybe xiaoqi at times but *shrugx* is it wrong?
10) Tell my parents a whole lot of bullshit letting them know how good he is to me.. tho it din't happened.. i very kua zhang one.. i want everyone to think he treat me very very good.. but as for the downside, i will just keep quiet, pretend it din't happen and just hide it.. well cause i don't express it to others how i feel abt the situation, the only person i can tell to is him.. so yes i admit i do nag/say him.. but i guess what i am doing, to save him face, he does not know.. well its ok.. he wun ever know also liao la haha.. know also no use.. not that it's gonna help

Well for me at times i do things, i don't like to let others know what i am doing or what my intentions are, cause maybe i know what i am doing and i don't see a need to boast about it.. He may not see it in the short run but everything i do, there is a reason behind it..

Well but all these are in the past already... he has moved on with his life and i am still stuck here.. waiting for someone make me believe that love does exist i guess.. I really don't know what i done wrong already.. i am scared to do anything cause i am scared of making the past mistakes and in the end, things don't work out..

Well i know what you are thinking.. can go know those 2 guys i mention right? please la.. now i know people is purely friendship cause i don't dare to try.. and if u know me well.. i dun usually make the first move.. i guess i am scared of rejection.. i need to know the guy like me first den i dare to move.. oh dear god, i am already hurt so many times.. can kindly be nice to let the guy initiate while i sit, wait and act pretty can?

all i want is to be happy, as usual i don't mind how the guy looks as long as it is presentable to me, as for money wise, don't need to be the damn rich kind loh.. just average will do, most impt is the chemistry and also how i feel towards a person. It's damn hard for me to like someone? i'm not sure.. i haven experience it yet... or maybe i will be stuck in this position for a long time thinking still why the one i love so much will want to treat me this way.. still regardless what, he will always be that special someone to me that came into my life before and left 4 yrs of sweet memories.. but girl you gotta tell yourself to move on if not u will be stuck forever cause he already moved.. all i can answer is.. i'll try.. i don't know when or how... be it tmr god let someone appear in my life or that i decide to be a lesbian (looks at sharon/nengli) haha.. i just hope it will be soon :)